The After Party

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this past year all i thought of was you. fucked up my school, but i thought it was gonna be cool cuz i was gonna end up with you. nope. most high school girls are dumb. i mean this. they dont know what the fuck they want. at all. i was done fuckin with em the beginning of summer 2011. i was depressed about some other shit with the other other chick. not the one before but the one before her. anyways, so i was sad or whatever. i knew i was gonna get over it sometime but not sure when. i didnt wanna fuck with any girls or anybody really cause i didnt have too many people, friends wouldnt understand,they prolly make fun of me. some real friends huh. and family is just too misunderstanding and hard to talk to. no one. “whatever tho, ill smoke it off.” in the process of forgetting, you came in and decided to enter into my personal life. u didnt like that i smoked and still dont. well i dont like that you wanna get that surgery, but we are gonna do whatever we want now arent we? anyway we talked on the phone every fucking night. i liked you. you liked me. you took out of depression and brought me into light. finally. i think i found the one. nope. just around the time i fell in love, you lost feelings. aint that some bullshit. i trusted you not to break my heart like other bitches before, but u did. you kissed one of my good friends or so i thought. but the fucked up part is, you must have been talking to him for awhile if it got to that point that it did. the kiss doesnt mean to much but the fact that you did it and knowing how much i cared about you boyfriend or friend, that was fucked. and the day after we go to that lil party and you wanted me to be next to you the whole time, and you know i wanted to. you felt sorry didnt you? or did you think you could balance us? even tho you didnt like me anymore. thats some diabolical shit. these bitches are worse than the men. we hear all these songs, but we dont listen do we? when i told you i thought you were the one, a sentence after you said you kissed him. fuckkkkkkk ouch! haha damn. thats some movie shit. but this shit has no happy ending does it? nope. the nights got cold and i felt embarassed when people looked at me cuz i thought everyone knew. “this nigga got his bitch taxed!” couldnt EVER call you my bitch. but i guess you can’t miss what you didnt have right? wrong. cause i do. i wrote more shit, some emo shit. sometimes some shit to help me get over it. even some “fuck it” music. but the truth was that i was in love with you, and honestly i still got some love for you. thats so fucking twisted but thats how much i loved you. people reading this are gonna be like “fuck here he goes again.” but see, this what you did to me. you got me thinkin bout you everynight. its so sad. i hope this shit doesnt last 4 years. i hope i can get over this during the summer. i tried to tell you all the words ive been meaning to say, but just before telling you, i doubted myself. no matter what i said, i couldnt change your mind. but i i tried anyway. but all that came out was some sugar coated pussy bullshit. then i would beat myself up more for fuking it up. i doubt you are even reading this. maybe one of your friends will see this, maybe tell you about huh? i hope. im sayin this now cause i dont have to worry about what people are gonna say about me after this. cause im leaving. im going to LA soon, and you are going to the bay. what has the fucking generation done to us? we swear its the best, but its fucking us up sooo bad. i cried in the arms of some of my friends, some pussy shit. so i stopped crying on them on started crying on this keyboard & on this notebook i got. if i talk shit about you, thats just me trynna hate you just so i dont love you. just so i dont hurt. its stupid i know. i cant listen to drake the same anymore. or j cole. the weeknd helps me alot tho. kanye too. we share sooooo much more in common than we know its scary. thats why we sometimes bumped heads. we said we were bestfriends even tho we both knew we couldnt do it. or least i couldnt. how do you look at your “bestfriend” and deny the fact that you are in mad love with them and just simply be their friend. you cant. nope. i almost killed myself twice. i was referred to a mental health office. i actually felt okay when i thought my plane was gonna crash cause i thought i would feel better if i just died. damn, i literally was crazy for you haha. but see a youngin like me never got no love. and really i wasnt completely relying on you to provide me happiness. thats just something that came with it. i was just hoping you were gonna prove that not all girls were as two faced as some of my past ones. you proved it right. but i know not ALL woman are like that. but if i try this shit again and end up getting hurt AGAIN, itll be the death of me i know it. i lost some good ass ties with people because something separated me from them. the pain. not one of my friends really really had strong feelings like ive had for you and none have really got hurt like me. oh wait, i did have one friend like that. you. this tumblr has been a major dedication to you. well most of it. the feelings ive had, all posted here. good and bad. i made a bum ass video of us. haha corny ass nigga. i sprayed my cologne on every gift i gave to you just cause i knew you were expecting it. i could try to be like the guys on the tv, the guys you want but i came out as me. me wasnt good enough tho huh? nope. its only gonna get harder to love the older i get. i hope i find something fast. ive been too real with you. how crazy is it that i was honest with you literally 99% of the time, the other 1% is prolly cause i didnt want you to know i was depressed and thinking about YOU, when i was all the time. i was honest, real, ready, i wasnt talkin to any side chicks or anything cause i felt like this was really it. i didnt need anybody else. i loved you. and i know it was NOT lust because i fell in love with you and your personality and your family and just everything about you. i wanted to know more about you, i wanted to get to know you for the rest of my life. i was willing. but it wasnt enough. and all this here is still not enough. this is just my side of it, the way i saw it. i would really like to hear yours but i think i’d be better off. and actually, im only saying all this because it takes a huge weight off my chest. i had to get it out. so maybe you’ll see it, maybe not. somebody will. and they’ll think, “what a sad story, i hope everything works out for both of them.” then they will get back to their own lives dealing with their own drama.  mmk. i think im done. if there is anything else for me to say, just listen to the radio. and yeah, im still a cry baby talkin about this because this has been the most prominent event in my life lately. and i’m sorry for my ignorant actions lately. i just don’t know what to do with my self.  ”i was high when i said i liked you, sober when i said i loved you, and ill prolly be drunk when i miss you.” i love you. until we meet in another life, goodbye and goodluck boob. OVOXO. 

- W O L F